| There goes howie....Vroom Vroom |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|12:17 am] |
So....I decided to buy a car today. Or yesterday. Whatever fuckin day it is. Ive been drinking. Sorry. I figure the route I was headed I would lose the whole five grand at the casino,so I may as well have something to show for it. A mazda miata convertable. It made me happy. I havent had a car in years. I drove it to the casino,made two hundred dollars and drove it home. I still have like 1500 left,so we will see how that goes. For a guy who doesnt drink much,I sure have been hitting the bottle alot. I just laughed. Out loud. And Im having trouble spelling but fuck it. Once this 1500 runs out Ill start looking for a job. Temp agency or some shit. What fuckin skills do I really have? Fuck. Dont you hate it when you light a smoke,and forget you did. Then you think about a smoke and realize you already lit one up,but its half fuckin gone. Some bullshit. That just happened to me. Back to skills. Can I fill NASDAQ orders for Burger King? I do make a damn good burger though. Just had one. Fucking delicious. Tomorrow I need to get up early and get insurance for my car. So after this Ill probably pass out. After my drink though. Good night for now. I just cant type anymore; Plus not too much happened today. Besides the car.
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
- Mahatma Gandhi 1869-1948 |
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| Trust...... |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|10:35 pm] |
Main Entry: 1trust
Pronunciation: 'trust
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, probably of Scandinavian origin; akin to Old Norse traust trust; akin to Old English trEowe faithful -- more at TRUE
1 a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed
2 a : dependence on something future or contingent : HOPE b : reliance on future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered : CREDIT
3 a : a property interest held by one person for the benefit of another b : a combination of firms or corporations formed by a legal agreement; especially : one that reduces or threatens to reduce competition
4 archaic : TRUSTWORTHINESS
5 a (1) : a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship (2) : something committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of another b : responsible charge or office c : CARE, CUSTODY
- in trust : in the care or possession of a trustee
The word trust stirs up all kind of emotion,both good and bad. From reading this shitty definition one would think its pretty cut and dry. I feel trust has alot more to it than Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary is letting on. Which is fitting. To me trust used to be a novel idea,rather than a feeling. My life has changed dramatically in the past few years,and so has my outlook on trust. If you asked me my feelings on trust three years ago I would have told you it was a sign of weakness; Something that should be used like a tool to exploit someone for personal gain. Holy shit was I dead wrong. Trust is something needed,like breathing. Without trust everything is hollow,like a dead oak tree; Its still there,its still standing strong,but all of the leaves are gone. I can say this about trust though; It should never be given freely. Trust should always be earned by merit alone. When trust is awarded with no merit,it is almost certainly doomed to be taken advantage of. I have witnessed this on many occasion,and I dont want to take advantage anymore.
Trust is a hemophiliac feeling. Once cut,its very hard to stop the bleeding. I still think its worth it to try though. The risk is strong,but if you do stop that bleeding,the wound will eventually heal. The scar will always remain,but scars are only proof that something is fully healed. And even though something is scarred,it doesnt mean that it cant be beutiful. One of the most beautiful things that Ive ever come across is scarred,outside and in,and it would never change my opinion of her. Beauty has nothing to do with outward apearance; The media would like you to believe that,but anyone with half a brain,and a soul knows this isnt true.
I feel I have an excellent grasp on what trust is,and how it should be treated; With respect,and admiration. When you truly trust someone,and they trust you,there is no better feeling in the world. It feels so safe,and warm like a blanket. I often wonder if I am worthy of anyones trust. Or if they are worthy of mine. No matter what I think I will learn to trust more in my life. Or at least try not to put so many stipulations to gain it. I feel like life will pass me by if I dont learn how to do that.
"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them."
- Albert Einstein |
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| "I need to get drunk or laid, and all I have is whiskey." |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|08:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
Well I ended up going to the casino anyhow. I won 50 bucks and had dinner. No big deal. I also got a haircut today. Again...no big deal. Im feeling kinda lonely today; Just wish I had someone to talk to. I need a drink. I was playing cards when my Father called me. The usual bullshit. "We need to talk later." And Im all like, "We are talking right now." Then hes all like "We will talk about it later." Why call to tell me you want to talk later? Drives me up the fucking wall. We really dont even have to talk. I already know what the conversation will be. "Are you looking for a job?". "Not at the moment." "Get a job." "O.K." Today life kinda sucks. He will probably tell me I have to live downstairs also. Either way. I dont give a shit. I need to find someone who really cares about me. I need to find that person who will stand beside me no matter what. No matter what. I dont think this person exists. People chase after this dream their whole lives and never really find it. Its like a fuckin waterfall mirage in the middle of the desert. Once you get close enough to touch it,it disappears. Or if you do get a little taste, sooner or later you realize your really drinking nothing but sand. Thats enough for now. Im going to finish my drink. And pour another. "Try Jesus,and if you dont like Him the devil will always take you back."
I saw that on a bumper sticker today. |
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| "Sometimes i feel like a nut, and sometimes I Dont." |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|01:02 am] |
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Nothing much to really add. I went to the casino again yesterday and lost 500. I went again today and won 276. The only really crazy thing that happened was,on my way to catch the shuttle the blueline stopped at Logan Square; An automated announcement came over the speaker saying there will be a short delay. Soon after the conductor came on and said we would be waiting for the police to escort some twit off the train. It was like 12:10 and I had to catch the 12:30 shuttle. I know its evil but in a sick way I was hoping this jerk would resist arrest and get his skull knocked around a little bit for holding a train full of people for like 15 minutes,just because he was having a bad day. The train ran an express,and I caught a cab to the hotel and made it just in time anyway. I came across a certain persons live journal today; After about 27 minutes 17 seconds worth of contemplating I went ahead and added it. Sorry if its strange,or you take it the wrong way. I just liked talking with you that day in Champagne. I kind of felt like your friends were treating you how mine treat me. Shitty. So if you read this add me or dont. P.S. I never looked at your nudes!!! LOL! I really wanted to but just laughed it off and decided against it. Plus I didnt know if this was still during your testicle faze....so.....um.....yea. Its late and I think Im going to watch a movie and hit the hey. Im not sure if Im going to the casino tomorrow. Dont think so. I have alot of shit to take care of here,laundry,cleaning and such. "Everyone says dont put all your eggs in one basket. I say put all your eggs in one basket, then just watch that basket." Huck Finn |
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| "Only my backpack has been to Hawaii" |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|11:35 pm] |
Well, this is my second entry in this journal and it has been quite an interesting two days. I started this journal out of dispare and now my life has taken yet another turn; Only for the better this time. I made my first entry at like two a.m July 1st, after waking from a drunken stupor. Later that day around 9 a.m I woke up and spoke with someone who used to be special to me, and came to the conclusion she no longer wanted me in her life. I understand this. Im not sure if she ever really did,and I guess I'll never really know for sure either. She ended up going to the Taste of Chicago with her friends,and I decided there was no reason to sit at home and be gloomy all day. I just got the first of two of my last checks coming from work,so I decided to head to the casino and throw some cards around to get my mind off things; To make a long story short, I ended up hitting the bad beat jackpot in a 5-10 Hold'em table. $4300 dollars. Brilliant! It threw me into a really weird space though. Usually when I get in a rut things only seem to get worse and worse. For once in my life I felt like I caught a break....and i had no idea how to react. I just kind of sat there like it wasn't really happening. People at the table must have thought I was fucking crazy. Thats ok though,it's not the first time people have thought I was nuts; Including myself. So the shuttle drops you off at the Hilton towers in downtown Chicago,and after this huge win I just want someone to share it with. So the only person I can think of is the girl who doesn't want me in her life, and a couple of old friends who I think still might like me. I call my girl first,and tell her about the win,and that I want to get a room at the Hilton and spend the night with her. She turned me down. I call some of my old friends and get no answer,so I end up just going home and going to sleep. Five grand on me and I cant find anyone to have a night with! Thats ok. I'm so used to being alone that I really think nothing of it. Besides...I have five grand in my pocket!! I awoke today with a brand new outlook on life. Yesterday I felt like the world was caving in on me,and sad to say I didnt have too many options left,but I woke up and the first thing that came to my mind was "Everything happens for a reason.". I really feel this to be true,in every essence of the phrase. So I decide to get dressed this morning and head back out to the casino. I lost two hundred dollars playing at the 10-20 table,but more important was my trip to the casino. I take the train downtown and catch the shuttle to the casino,because I have no car. So I walk to the train stop and as Im headed into the terminal there is a dragon fly,trying to find it's way out of the terminal to no avail as it kept bouncing off the window he was trying to escape through. It immediately struck me funny,not like ha-ha funny,but just funny. So i started down the stairs but I couldnt help but to think thats kind of how I've felt my whole life. At that point I turned around and headed back up the stairs and gave that dragon fly something rarely offered to me. Guidance. And just like me he was hesitant at first. He thought I was trying to harm him. So I got him to latch onto my finger, and cupped my hands over his wings so he wouldnt try to fly away,but he never did. I had to get a look at him; Beautiful shiny reflective green body,red eyes, and four transparent wings, but not totally see through,kind of like a prism, with many different colors reflecting from every angle. Beautiful. I walked to the open door and released him back into the world he so desperately wanted to be a part of again. The train ride,and the walk to the Hilton was normal enough. Until I got to the Hotel. I cut through the lobby because it was hot and muggy,and as I made my way through,four Pakistani women all dressed in traditional garb were walking towards me in a perfect single file line. They were beautiful. Their dresses adorned with shiny sequins and their hair was gorgeous as it flowed with the breeze of their slow decent towards me. The first girl had an incense burner and the smell was delicious,the following three held candles, and as the last girl walked passed,we made eye contact,she smiled at me and I returned the silent hello. It kept me smiling for the next minute or so wondering where they were coming from,and where they were headed. I got to the part of the lobby where the shuttle picks up and sat down on the floor with my back against a pillar as there were no seats available. As I sat there still wondering about these beautiful women,I found out where they were coming from. Or at least what they were a part of. People all dressed in that same fashion as the women from the lobby started filing out of a banquet hall, photographers were taking pictures, and not one of these people didnt have a smile on their face. A wedding. I couldnt get over how happy they looked. Smiling and looking at each other with pure infatuation. Each were dressed in traditional garb,but unlike the others a scarf wrapped around each of their necks connected them. I found this to be an excellent symbol,and it made me wish I had someone like that in my life. They made their way outside, one man opened the door to a car that was adorned with flowers and they got inside and drove away. I lit up a smoke and started to ponder these events. The dragon fly. A second chance. The wedding. A new beginning. Two things I soooo long for in my life,and it sent chills through my body so strong it made my jaw hurt. Maybe I'll get my second chance. Maybe I'll have my new beginning. Maybe. We will see. "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
Buddha |
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| me vs. jack daniels |
[Jul. 1st, 2006|02:23 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My apartment | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink Floyd-Stoned alone | ] |
I always thought writting in these types of things was kind of strange, but Im so lonely I think I can now understand why people do it. My life has taken so many turns in the past couple months and i feel so alone. I got a job, found the sweetest girl that Ive ever met in my entire life, and lost both in the span of two days. In the words of the great Neal Young; Why do I keep fucking up? Sorry for the grammar if Im not doing so well; Im not doing so well, and im piss drunk. So I thought i would open this account (with a little inspiration from someone) just to get some of these feelings out in the open. I guess thats how my journal will begin. Im not too sure how it will end but its starting with lonliness, regret, and pain. I know that sounds horrible, but at least its a new beginning. I think thats what im looking for in life. This actually feels good, whether anyone reads it or not, it just feels good to get these feelings out in the open. I dont know, I just feel like I want to run away....like I need to start over new someplace else. I had the strangest dream after I passed out yesterday, I think it was highly influenced by Jack Daniels. It started off in a room with me, my father, mother, and an old friend of mine. We were all in a room working, and my father was pissed at me as usual. He was angry because I didnt change something in the computer system, for a company that made no money. Directly after this it cut to me at the Mid-west buddhist temple, I was walking on top of a sheet, and in the background there was a farm, with a tequila sunset; at this point i fell through the sheet, slowly and landed in a lower level of the temple, where i found my uncle was living. Strange. I guess this is enough to write for now. I think I'll end this babbling now. I think I will also end each entry with a quote. "In life there are two great tragedies; The first is not getting what one wants, and the second is getting it." |
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